Single Mothers.

How many of you have kids? How many of you can afford to have them? ... Yea, that's what I thought. I have continuous conversations about people who keep having babies without being able to afford or care for them. I've noticed lately how many of the people that I am surrounded with have at least one child. I was actually starting to believe that maybe it was me who was doing something wrong. You can find me traveling, going out for a drink, or sleeping in.. I mean, I am in my 2os... and single!

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have kids in your 20s.. if you can do it, more power to you. What upsets me is that many of you are out here getting pregnant by men who you know will not be there to provide for their child and leave you to take care of it on your own. I look up to and appreciate single mothers who go above and beyond to ensure their child's well being. There are plenty of young women getting pregnant on purpose.. KNOWING that they are setting themselves up for the struggle of all struggles. This just doesn't make any sense to me. 

Why would you think that by you having a baby your man is going to stay with you? Ladies, it is 2012. If we have learned anything throughout the years, it is that there are plenty of men who will not think about it twice if they want to just get up and go. There are good men out there who handle their business and know that even if they aren't with the baby mama they should support their children. Very few in comparison to those who don't care. Even if he's willing to stay, if you don't see any progression in your relationship, leave him! I understand that I don't have kids so maybe I don't understand wanting to have a dysfunctional family. I prefer to be a single mother raising a child in a happy home than to be in a relationship where all we do is fight or just don't want to be together. Don't say you're doing it for the child. The child doesn't know one thing from the next. If they grow up around dysfunction, they will grow to think that it's OK. If they grow up with their parents already separated, but getting along, that is a hell of a lot healthier. But hey, what do I know?

The other thing is.. don't go out looking for a father to compensate for the absentee. Every boyfriend you have should NOT be introduced to your child. Please stop giving children false illusions that every man they meet is going to be their daddy. The man who wants to be there for your child will be there because they want to, not because you aren't giving them a choice. 

For those of you out there who do have your stuff together.. you go girl! For those of you who read everything above and found that I described you in any way.. make some changes. It's not about you anymore. 

Do you know someone who should be reading this? Send it to them! 

The Best Birthday Ever.. Again!

Here we are again.. It's that time of year.. My birthday! 

I know I said this in last year's birthday post, but THIS was definitely the best birthday ever! I mean, at least it doesn't get worse, right?! I'll tell you the story and you'll understand why I may have just had the best day of my life. 

I decided very early on this year that I would be traveling for my birthday. As I've gotten older I want to keep things a little more low key, and I've always wanted to spend my birthday soaking up the sun somewhere. Last month I booked my eight day trip to Miami to spend some time with family and friends just as I had imagined.. on the beach. 

Here's where things get interesting... The day before I flew out, Angie Martinez tweeted about a contest for a private studio session at a secret location with none other than Alicia Keys. As always, I immediately decided that I was going to sign up. Unfortunately, I was not able to sign up from my phone so I let it go. 

When I got home to pack that night, despite everything being so hectic, I remembered to log online to sign up for this contest. Now, I sign up for all things related to Alicia on a regular basis, but I figured "why not?" I filled out the quick application and turned off my computer, making this just one of the million entries I've completed. 

The next morning, I flew into the sunshine state and went to my friend's job. While I was getting my lunch I noticed that I had a missed call. I immediately recognized the number being from the radio station and called back. The girl who answered asked if I was Sasha, and when I said yes, she asked if I had signed up for this studio session with Alicia Keys. I really just thought that she was going to give me some more information on it, instead she said "you won!" My response was "No I didn't!" And I continued to insist that I didn't win until I figured I was being annoying. 

I was afraid to ask when the session was since I was not in Jersey. Good news! It fell exactly on the night of my birthday. Bad news! I would still be in Florida. When I told her, she thought I wasn't going to make it. Ohh, but I would be there. As soon as I hung up I ran to a computer to change my flight. My birthday plans had changed, but it was for the better. My vacation was cut short by FOUR days! I had a whole itinerary for my time there but hey, when Angie calls, YOU ANSWER!

Needless to say how excited I was to be going to this session, and obviously I was taking Kathy as my guest. Do you remember her from last year? We were a little more organized this time around and kept questioning what would be awaiting us. The secret location, by the way, was an awesome studio with lots of history. We got to the line and made a few friends and a lot of small talk. No one knew what to expect. 

Once we got inside, we were greeted by massive amounts of food, drinks, and the best cupcakes I've ever had in my life. Kathy and I sat in the second row, directly in front of the chairs where Angie and Alicia would be sitting. When Angie came out, she had brief conversation with us and got us more pumped up. Can I mention how much I love her though? She is seriously one of the biggest inspirations for the type of person I'd like to be on a professional level. I went to her BBQ this summer and have been following her work for as long as I can remember. I even learned to rap Busta's part in "Look At Me Now" because of her! 

Sorry, I got sidetracked. Anyway, Alicia came in and I was starstruck. I mean, just kidding. She is my BFF, so this was regular to me. We got to listen to a few tracks from her new CD, and a few throwbacks. In between songs she would come up to the audience to talk to us, and every time she walked by us I'd yell out "hey girl!" as I obviously do to all of my friends. Kathy was embarrassed! 

After the event was over, we were able to go take pictures with Alicia. When it was my turn I walked up to her to give her a hug and let her know it was my birthday. We took the picture we were asked to keep walking, BUT I stopped to talk to her. She vaguely remembered me from the meet & greet last year, wished me a happy birthday, and thanked me for going. She is all kinds of awesome and I am and will always continue to be a supporter of her in any way she chooses to express herself to us. Music, plays, movies, books.. I can't even describe my love for her. 

On our way out I was looking for Angie, and found her. She is also a sweetheart and took the time to talk to me as well. I can't complain about anything right now and you can find me walking on sunshine. It has been a whirlwind year and I started it the same way I ended it. Everything has come full circle. We're making this Alicia Keys/Birthday thing a tradition. Mark my words.. remember I said that last year too! Don't doubt me. 

By the way.. did you buy "Girl on Fire" yet? I got my copy today and I'm loving it! 

Until next time.

Not Even The King.

I will be broadcasting my favorite songs of the moment, every Monday. I call it "Music Mania" They will not always be current, or even in English. But I have a tendency to have many favorite songs-- often.. so why not share it with you all?

 

It's only right that I start with Alicia Keys.. of course! Well, it's no coincidence that right now I'm obsessed with her song "Not Even The King".. Listen to it and read the lyrics in the video to see why I can't get it out of my head.. "They can't afford what we got.. not even the king" What do you think of it?? Post your current favorite song for all to hear!  Until next time.. 

Rihanna - Talk that Talk

 

Oh Rih-Rih..

The interview everyone has been looking forward to finally came.. and went. I made sure I did whatever needed to be done for the day so that I can watch my Sunday night line-up without interruption. You would've thought I was getting quizzed on what I was watching. I had my bottle of water, notepad, and chocolate icee on hand and ready for Oprah. And so it began... 

Don't you remember singing along to "Pon de Replay" , not even realizing you were looking at our generation's next big thing? It's easy to forget that Rihanna is so young; we're the same age. She's so accomplished and well known that we don't stop to wonder who she is behind the music... where's VH1?!

I will say that I am a fan of Rihanna, but I'm not as obsessed with her as I am with certain other celebrities *cough, cough* (Alicia Keys).. anyway, I was just as interested to watch Rihanna sit down with Oprah. From the moment the interview started, it was clear that Barbados is the place she feels most at ease-- That was refreshing to see. Even with all of the money and notoriety she has, she is most at peace when she is in her home town. 

Rihanna looked very relaxed during the interview, and from the start you knew you were about to get to know her a little better. She described being idolized and the fear of the pedestal that comes with fame. I'm not famous yet, but I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to know you can be held responsible for your influence on the lives of people you don't even know. It's hard enough being a big sister and knowing you have to set a good example for your younger siblings.. but talk about pressure! People are always quick to judge Rihanna and say she needs help because she's always taking pictures partying and drinking.. but guess what.. she's doing the same thing most people her age are doing anyway. I commend her for at least taking the time to try to enjoy her youth.

The part when she began to talk about her "Gran-Gran Dolly" was really sad. It's obvious that her relationship with her grandmother was very special to her. When she began to cry, it humanized who she really is. She has feelings that her tough girl image doesn't let us see.. and I appreciated her sincerity. 

Obviously the highlight of this interview was revolved around the Chris Brown situation. I thought she might try beating around the bush and she didn't. It's easy to judge a relationship from the outside when you don't know what is going on. She wanted people to want to help him during that time, but she knew no one was going to. Rightfully so, she said she was angry and in a dark place for a while after the incident. These situations aren't easy when you're just common folk, imagine trying to move past something in your life but constantly having to address it. Poor Rice Krispie, (Chris's current girlfriend) is probably mad as hell about this interview. No matter how you want to put it, Rihanna and Chris will always love each other... that doesn't mean they're meant for each other. It is what it is-- Young love is not always innocent. 

Rihanna then took us on a tour of her hometown, where she was just Robyn. Everyone was excited to see her and she was happy to stop and talk to them. Humility is an honorable thing, and even if you may not like her as an artist, she deserves respect just for that. I found it hilarious when she went to her old house and asked to walk through it. If that was me I would've been on the phone in my living room like "yea girl, not doing much today.. just have Oprah and Rihanna walkin around the place.. the usual." 

The interview was overall very raw, and very real. At the end, she surprised her mother with a house and before that, let us know that the situation with Chris strengthened her relationship with her father. Sometimes we don't realize that behind every bad thing, something good can come out of it. I hope that after this interview people will let it rest. We got what we wanted. She spoke about Chris and admitted to still loving him and it being awkward when they're around each other. It happens to the best of us. She is no different than we are.. and I think that's what she was showing us.. without even trying.. just being Robyn. 

Until next time.. 

Ask no questions, hear no lies?

A very interesting conversation on twitter sparked up this morning, and it is something worth blogging about. It all stemmed around the question, "is omitting the truth considered lying?" Well, ladies and gents, this is my opinion... 

I'm not a liar, but I will knowingly omit certain things from certain conversations. It's more because I don't think it's your business rather than me hiding something from you. We've all done it. Your mom asks, "where were you?", your response is "After class I went to get something to eat with Julie and did laundry." You clearly skipped the part that while you were doing laundry your boo thang was laying in your room watching a movie with you... but she doesn't have to know that... right?

So did you just lie to your mom? (enter surprised face here) 

Another example is if your significant other goes to a party and when you ask them about it they fail to mention that their ex was there.. did they lie to you? See, I'm not one to ask questions in the first place-- to anyone. One of my biggest pet peeves is to be asked more than two or three questions (that's pushing it) during a conversation. I feel like if I want to tell you something, I'd tell you without having you grill me like some criminal. 

If you are purposely omitting something from a conversation that means you are hiding something. For the most part, I don't have anything to hide so if I'm not telling you something it's for a reason. I will tell you that if one of the few times I do decide to ask you a question and you know why I'm asking you, but you fail to include the information.. my trust in you has officially been jeopardized. 

Now, we all have different reasons for keeping things from someone. Just remember that the quote "everything that is done in the dark will come to light" is nothing less than the truth. It's usually best for people to find out certain things straight from the source than from someone else... that will cause a whole kind of unnecessary problem. 

Until next time.. 

Cheater's Delight

 

I don't even know where to begin with this post. This conversation is one that I hear over and over again. We've heard about it in the news; celebrities and us regular folk alike. 

"She's a home-wrecker."

After time to process everything I've seen, read, and heard.. I've come to a realization -- there is no such thing as a home-wrecker.

You may be wondering what kind of idiotic conclusion this is... Of course there are women who throw themselves on men who are married or in committed relationships. They flirt, wink, show a little leg.. even that corny little laugh where she'll playfully nudge him just to get a chance to touch him and see his reaction. This is all an obvious attempt to see how interested the man is in her. As women, we often throw subtle, and sometimes not so subtle hints at men letting them know we're into them. Whether we are doing it intentionally or not, we are sending them a message.. I want you. 

In my opinion this doesn't necessarily separate one woman from the other. Flirting is basically human nature for both sexes. Fighting temptation is the battle. People are quick to judge the Alicia's, Angelina's, and Gabrielle's without knowing the full situation. Although some people do just cheat for the hell of it, the thrill, if you must.. others will stray away from their relationships because they are no longer happy within that relationship. No one forces anyone to have an affair, not only a physical, but an emotional one. 

I'm not here condoning a cheater, or a woman who is deliberately trying to take a man from another woman. Anyone who chooses to give in to that temptation is solely responsible for their actions. You can have all of the temptation in the world it is up to you and ONLY you to choose what it is you want to do. You have the power to say no, or even avoid the situation getting too far. Everyone is quick to blame the "home-wrecker" but very few put blame on the person who chooses to leave the relationship. This leaves the woman with the Scarlet letter pinned to her chest all of her life, whether she stays with this man or not, while he gets a "get out of jail free" card. 

I know there are some of you who disagree, and that's perfectly fine. This is always going to be a debatable topic. I just felt that we need to focus more on what's in front of us rather than what we want others to believe. Neither person is a victim here. As conscious adults, the decision to participate in these actions is mutual. Any self respecting person who flirts and doesn't get the response they want, will stop. It only continues to build up if the other person allows it to. That being said, now how about you just don't cheat. Make the conscious decision to either work on your relationship or get out of it.. that way no one cheats and no one wrecks a home. Simple. 

Until next time. 

 

EOF 2012

This is an open letter to my EOF students who just completed their summer program.. 

Dear kiddies, 

You made it!! I am so proud of each and every one of you for getting through this program. I hope you realize how much you have grown in the past few weeks. Believe me when I tell you that just how these five weeks went by, the rest of your time in college will follow suit. Cherish every moment that you have and don't take anything for granted. Remember that you were chosen from a group of hundreds of applicants because the EOF staff believed in what you had to offer to this school, and to the world.. and we want you to keep in that in mind. 

I don't think I could have asked for a better class to break in my first summer at this college. You have made me laugh, cry, and silently wish I was sitting back in the 5 week program with my own classmates. The relationships you have built here will hopefully continue past your college graduation, and wherever life may lead you. You will always want to look back and have your EOF family to remember these special days that you all shared together. I look forward to seeing you all come by the office to pay me a visit, e-mail, or call me and keep me updated on how everything is going with you. 

Know that you have formed an unbreakable bond with everyone here that you can always depend on. Your college years fly and you will only have the memories that you are creating. You can have fun and still get good grades, just be responsible and know that school does come first. I know some of you have been in situations where you have been discouraged and told you cannot or will not succeed.. you have already proved those people wrong. Continue in the direction you are headed and send any negativity in the opposite direction. You are in control. 

You are a very special group and extremely amazing individuals. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU has something powerful to bring to the table and I can only hope that you see what I see in you. I've gotten to know you and respect you all... especially for sharing such personal and heartfelt tributes when you didn't even know us well enough to do so. That in itself says a lot about you as individuals. This is one of the reasons I love my job.

        Stay active on campus. Join organizations. Be happy. Enjoy the ride. 


Enjoy the rest of your summer and I look forward to seeing you back in a few weeks... 
                                        *cue the dramatics a la Khaleif & Shabika*

The Battle Must End...

This might be my most revealing and personal blog yet.. so bear with me. 

Oh, my life long battle with my weight. Here's the story. 

When I hit puberty at the tender age of 11, I was a hot tottie. I had a nice shape, pretty (acne free!) face, and I had boobies!! I knew early on that I was a little more over developed than my friends, most of which were not as well endowed as I was. I remember giving my friends pep talks because they would compare themselves to me, and I'd say "don't worry, you'll get yours soon." As time passed, my boobs grew to become what was "Sasha." Everywhere I went I was the girl with the big breasts. People would introduce me as "this is the girl I was telling you about." Talk about awkward... and uncomfortable.

When I was almost 12, I was heading at a dangerous pace and getting fat, quick. My mother noticed and took me to a nutritionist where I managed to lose 16 pounds. Alright girl! But as I left middle school, I knew that things were just going to get worse. I became overly concerned about my weight, not realizing that I was not fat, rather, extremely well endowed. As a teenage girl, with friends who were mainly dancers, I often felt out of place because I didn't have the same body as they did. I went to an all-girl school, yet I still found myself hiding under two bras, becoming more and more self conscious about my weight as time passed. 

Enter college. 

 

Those of you who have lived on a college campus know that if there's free food, you better be there! I wasn't eating right, and began to really put on some weight. My breasts became so heavy that I would fantasize about just chopping them off. My friends didn't understand me because most of them were thin and didn't see why I didn't embrace those knockers. My family didn't understand me. My mom is petite and my father thinks that I have no self control. When you live on campus you eat what you can. I did manage to go to the gym and stay active, but as my breasts continued to grow, and the back pains and muscle spasm followed, the only thing I could do was gain weight to support the growing watermelons I had to lug around. 

Finally, at 19 I reached my breaking point and explained to my parents that I wanted to enjoy my youth and they knew I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't tell anyone my plans, maybe two people, and I went during spring break and had a breast reduction. 

The morning before my surgery

After my surgery I thought I was going to start off with a clean slate. Boobies are gone, I will be happy now. Wrong. Now I had to lose the 30lbs that I put on within my first 2 years of college. I tried and tried, even when people thought I wasn't. My doctor would constantly criticize me, I'd hear it from family, and I tortured myself daily. I knew something was wrong. I used trainers, tried pills, countless diets, but I wouldn't be able to lose more than 10lbs, and gain them right back. It wasn't until I was 21 that I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). This causes issues with hormones, which can essentially create an issue with weight gain. That summer I brought a good friend to live with me so that we could lose weight and start a healthy living together. Something about doing this with someone really motivates me. Together we lost almost 30lbs, and felt pretty damn good about ourselves. 

It didn't take long to put some of that weight back on, especially when I stopped working out. This seems to be my main problem. It's not so much my self control or food intake, it's my lack of physical activity. Yea, I enjoy going out to eat, but I've never really overindulged to the point to be at the weight I currently find myself at. I have my days where I feel super fantastic, and others where I just feel like me and Precious could swap clothes from each others closet. I often feel like a failure. Why can't I just finish what I've started? I lack motivation most of the time, especially when I'm not seeing the results even when people around me do. 

I don't have a problem with men. Even with all of my excess weight, I can still "bag", as the young kids say. My insecurities partially play into effect because of a situation I went through with someone who as nice as he was, was very shallow. I knew I wasn't his type, but somehow I managed to attract him-- maybe it was just my charming personality and hypnotizing smile. Deep down I knew it wouldn't last because he was not keen on people knowing I existed to him in romantic way. Not for nothing but this girl is a pretty good catch! Any man who has been associated with me knows this. So to you sir, I say... your loss. 

Anyway, after being on some medication which caused me to gain a few extra pounds, I have decided to invest my whole being into living a healthier life, period. Despite what I weigh, I want to look and feel good. I've been taking baby steps, but I see things improving. Fighting a battle with the scale is not one which I'm trying to continue to go through for the rest of my life. I came off of those stupid meds, and am sure now that I have 100% focus, I will prevail. 

Time will tell. 

Four years later.

Happy Wife, Happy Life?

As "new age" women, we are often faced with some interesting questions about how we choose to live our lives. While driving to work this morning, the topic of conversation was "Would you prefer to work or be a stay-at-home mom?" And they also opened it up to the men and asked them which position they would like their lady to take. Some of the answers were very realistic. Several men even said that if their lady's career meant so much to them and they were able to provide for the family, they would be stay-at-home dads. Other answers were very old fashioned; "A woman belongs home to cook, clean, and take care of the kids." Most of the people responding agreed that it would be ideal if at least one parent should be around to take care of the kids. 

Here's my answer. I don't know exactly what the future holds for me and if things will go as I would like them to. I anticipate having a career. Not for nothing, but I didn't get a Master's degree just to hang it on my wall to stare at while I bake cookies and my kids have their play dates. I am ambitious and goal-oriented. Now, that in mind, this doesn't mean I'd put my career over my family. Balancing a career and a family is no easy task, but it can be done. My mom has worked all of my life, yet the house was always clean and there was always a hot meal on the table.  She was there to take me to and from piano classes, take my sisters to dance, attend all of our recitals and school plays, and be on the front line cheering us on. So I know this can be done. Is it difficult? Absolutely. In a perfect world I would like to have my own business and be my own boss. This would give me the opportunity to still make my own money and not have to be financially dependent on my husband, as well as be there when my kids need me. 

I don't want to be a helicopter parent or hover over them at all times, but I do think that in the era that we're living, children need their parents around more than ever. I can't expect for someone else to raise my child for me. I was a nanny for several years where I did everything for the kids that their parents should have been doing with and for them. From being the one to get them ready for school, to taking them on play dates and after school activities, to making dinner, giving them a bath and putting them to sleep. I witnessed several meltdowns from kids when their moms would have to go to work or a late night meeting. I don't ever want my kids to feel like I'm missing out on any part of their life. Or to not have the option to be there because my job needs me just as badly. 

I'm not knocking the women who work hard to make sure their kids have the best of everything. I know some women who have kids just because that's what their man wants and I believe that is the worst thing to do to try to save your relationship. If you're not ready to be a mom, or simply don't feel it's for you, don't do it. It's simple. I, on the other hand, am prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to make sure my family never wants for anything.. not financially and not emotionally. It shouldn't be a sacrifice if it's something you really want. I've always dreamed of having children and being a wife as much as I've dreamed of walking the red carpet, being on the radio, and owning my own business. Happy medium? I'll find it.  

Follow me on twitter @trulymsp.. 

The Secret

"Single ladies, I can't hear ya'll.. single ladies.. make noise!!"

I speak for myself when I say that I don't need a man to provide for me. I can fully take care of myself, pay my bills, take myself to the finest restaurants and vacations. I have two degrees, a great personality, and although I have a few extra pounds, I'm beautiful. Now, I'm not going all "girl power"on you, I'm just setting a foundation for the information I'm about to hand out. There's a lot of us out there these days who have the qualities that I just listed, strong, no BS taking women, who are single and (some) loving it more than others. I'm here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with all of the above, but after a conversation with a friend a few days ago, I feel more women need to hear what I'm about to say. 

 

Being such a strong woman definitely has its perks. Now, if you wonder why you're single, I'm here to tell you, you may be a bit intimidating to most men. It's obvious that a good man wants to be able to provide for you, take care of you, and be your comfort. If you are constantly bringing up the fact that you can do things on your own, he will begin to feel emasculated. You may not even notice you're doing it, but you have to understand that no matter how much times change, a man wants to know that you still need him. I'm not saying I've had the most perfect relationships, but I can sure as hell play the damsel in distress when I need to. One of my exes told a friend of mine "I know she doesn't need me, but she lets her guard down to make it look like she does, and that means a lot to me." Whether it's letting him drive wherever we go, having him cut my steak when we're at dinner, or just giving him control of a situation every once in a while, it's up to us to let him feel like we need him. 

 

Think about it, you don't want to be with someone who you clearly know doesn't need you. You want to feel that you're bringing something to this persons life that they don't already have.. in this case, it's a man. I saw the movie "Think Like A Man" a few weeks ago and one of the women was told by a man that she didn't need a man because she was one. *Ouch*. The friend who I had this conversation with told me that she's never been able to tone it down for any man. I explained to her how important this really is to his ego. 

 

It's OK to not be in control all of the time. I recently find myself in a situation where I don't necessarily feel like I have to be in charge, because I know everything will be just fine. Maybe that's what we're waiting for, that one person who effortlessly brings it out of us. Flip your hair, put your feet up, and know your man's got it. That's all he wants.. 

The Old & Lonely

A few days ago I was sitting at my desk at work doing absolutely nothing. It was Friday and I was counting the minutes until I was able to start my weekend. An old lady who does some of the cleaning for the building came by. She never really acknowledges me. She just comes in to fill up her bottle of water and goes right back out the door. On this particular day she decided to sit in my office and just stare at me. In her heavy Italian accent she said, "you new here?" I smiled and said yes. She apologized for never saying hello to me but that she thought I was just a temp and didn't want to risk getting too close to me only for me to leave. I assured her that I was here to stay for a while. I stared her up and down. I don't think she's any younger than 80 years old, short and stubby, with her long gray hair pulled back into a ponytail. 

I didn't do much talking. For the thirty minutes she sat with me she told me how she only works one hour a day and it's really just to get out of the house. She told me her husband died ten years ago and she was grateful for this institution and the support they have shown her all of these years. As she spoke she rubbed her knee and said that she was in pain, but she doesn't let it stop her. "You so beautiful", she said to me over and over. It took a lot of concentration to understand what she was saying since her accent was so thick, but I managed to get it. She was telling me how now that it's nice out she needs to start cutting the grass in her house but she didn't think her knees would let her. This led me to the ultimate question, does this lady have any family?

The question in my mind was, are her kids really leaving this poor old lady to fend for herself? I managed to get it in during one of her silent moments, "do you have any kids?" She looked at me with a sad smile and said "No, I wish I did." This broke my heart. Now I understood why she was sitting here with me telling me everything she possibly could about her life; she was lonely. This lady had lost her husband, and has probably outlived most of her family and friends. I began to think of my own mother and grandmother and how I'd hate for them to be on their own like that. 

She asked me, "You have boyfriend?" I gave her my own sad smile, but didn't say anything. It was like if she was a teenage girl again and told me how in Italy she used to have multiple boyfriends at the same time. "I like when young girls like you have boyfriends. It means they not alone." I got even sadder. For my own personal reasons, as well as for her. She clearly likes seeing people happy and together, because she's on the opposite side of happiness. It took her a few minutes to manage to get out of her chair. Apologizing for talking so much, she smiled and once again told me how beautiful I was. I said, "You can come back any time you want." With that she wished me great weekend and said she'd see me during the week. 

I don't know exactly where I wanted to go by telling this story, but it really hit my heart. We often think we're all alone and torture ourselves by isolating ourselves from those who love us. If this lady had the opportunity to have at least those thirty minutes she spent with me, to spend with her husband or someone she loved, I'm sure she'd switch with one of us in a heartbeat.

Too many baby showers, not enough weddings.

As I sat in my chair at my friends bridal shower earlier today I couldn't help but think "why do I go to more baby showers, than bridal showers?" It was a beautiful sunny day in February, perfect for a celebration of love. Family and friends gathered to share in the first of many joyous occasions this couple will be sharing. "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes John Doe with the baby carriage." I am not here to tell you what is right for you as a person, or what may or may not work in your relationship. I simply feel that these days young women forget that having a baby with someone ties you to that person for life. Having a baby is hard work. It upsets me when women who aren't in committed relationships think that having a baby is going to be the savior to their relationship. This isn't a temporary fix to see if your relationship is going to work out. A baby is a human being who in several circumstances is just being used as bait to keep a man, sometimes leading to disappointment by a man not willing to take on the responsibility of being a father. 

Seriously speaking, who wants to be a single parent? It's already hard work to raise a child when you have someone there to do it with you, why knowingly put yourself in that situation? I'm not knocking the people who do it, on the contrary, more power to them. But I'm sure if you ask them now they would tell you if they could turn back time, without regretting the birth of their child, they would. Celebrating love is so beautiful and amazing. Seeing my friend and her fiancee interact today showed me that at least I'm not the only young person who values tradition. I understand there are things sometimes beyond our control, and I will never bash someone for something that may end up happening to me. Think about it, you know you've been to more than one baby shower where the father is not around. I'm sure that as happy as the new mother is for the pending birth of her child, there's still that piece of her who wishes to have the man who helped her create this miracle be there. 

Marriage may not be for everyone, and that is understandable. I'm not saying that everyone needs to go by the book. This is gearing more towards the younger women who just get pregnant without thinking of the life she may end up living.I know so many young women who get pregnant and hold on to the illusion that everything will work out between her and her baby's father. I always pray that it does.You never want to see your friends hurting over something so important. What I did realize today, more than ever is that I do want to get married and have the notion that this man is fully committed to our relationship and raising our children together. It just seems like the right thing for me to do. If this isn't what you want, fine. Just be smart about your decisions and remember that this is a life-long decision, it's not a quick-fix. You can't always control the outcome of a situation, but you can definitely try to gear them in the direction you find most suitable for you. 

Stop Playing Games

"Hey lady, let me tell you why I can't live my life without you. Every time I see you walking by I can not breathe. You don't understand, but in time you will. I must make you understand.. I wanna be your man."


That introduction was brought to you by a little inspiration from one of my favorite movies. A lot can be said in this entry based on the lyrics to that song. We could discuss how back some years ago songs were sweet tales of how to romance your lady and the difference to how most songs out right now are only talking about one night stands and cheating on your girl. That's not where I'm trying to go with this, though I have a long list of comparisons. Music just ain't what it used to be.

Getting down to business. I want you to really analyze the lyrics to this song. I wanna be your man. Whew! Ladies, when was the last time you heard something like this? I feel like men these days are taking advantage of good women and letting these women go simply because they refuse to become an official couple. I can remember a time when every woman longed for the day when the guy they were seeing would officially ask them to be their girlfriend. It seems like this doesn't even happen anymore. They leave it up to your imagination. How do you present this man you've been seeing for 7 months to your friends and family? Do you say, "this is my boo, Tony", or "this is the man I'm currently sleeping with but I don't know if this is really going anywhere so you may not even see him at the next event?" A grown woman should NOT have to be questioning where she stands with a man and I feel that this is a mistake many women, including myself, have fallen victim to.

I can't say the men are completely to blame here either. We make it easy for them to settle into a relationship which they can gladly walk out of, no strings attached. Many of us find ourselves cooking, cleaning, taking care of him in all ways possible, giving him no legitimate reason to even consider changing things to make it official. How much more official can it really get? Deep down it may even make you comfortable and figure that since everything is going well, why add a title? I'll tell you why right now. This is a cop out for many men. The whole "we don't need a title" thing is all BS. Why? Because when the relationship has run its course and you ask for an explanation, his response will always be "you weren't my girl."

Let's be realistic here. As women we think that by bringing up the whole "girlfriend" thing we're pressuring them into it. We want this to be a natural transition and have this romantic idea of how we want him to ask. Well, I choose to no longer assume what my status is with whoever it is I date. I believe by stating expectations from the very beginning of the relationship you can avoid a lot of drama and plenty of heartache. I speak from experience when I say that hearing how I wasn't the "girlfriend" cut deep. Again, we play the role of Susie Homemaker, not asking for anything but clarification in return, only to have it thrown in our face once it's over.     The truth is that if everyone states their expectations from the beginning, no one gets hurt. Now, if he tells you he's not ready for a relationship, and you are... run! This is going to be a never-ending cycle of "what if" for you.

I am a strong believer that at a certain point in life there's no more time for games. If you feel that you're not ready for a relationship and find yourself with a woman who is, either decide you're willing to take up a relationship or don't continue to lead her on. Save yourself a headache in the long run.

Sex in the Dark

I was recently having a conversation with a good friend of mine who happens to be of the opposite sex. It all started while casually scrolling down my timeline on Twitter and I noticed he was ranting about how "weird" it is when women don't want to have sex with the lights on. I asked him what he thought was so weird about it and he proceeded to clue me into his thoughts. As a woman, I find it easy to understand why some women prefer to be half clothed, wear a bra, or just keep the lights off. After trying to reason with my friend and get him to rationalize the idea, I came to my own conclusion... Men just don't understand.

You can tell a woman a million times that you think she's beautiful. The truth is that when it comes down to it, if she has her own preconceived thoughts about her body, she's not likely to "dance for you" like Beyonce. Men will argue and try to convince her that she's the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid his eyes on. They don't see how this strong, independent woman during the day can become such a meek mouse after hours. Sometimes, that's the problem too.. she'll only want to do it in the dark, at night, with some article of clothing on. There's something to be said about how amazing sun-kissed skin looks, but this is something your lady is likely to admire on her own time. Almost every woman has an insecurity about herself. Whether she is overweight, has stretch marks and cellulite, scars, or nothing at all, nothing you can say will make her feel any different about herself.

I've heard plenty of men say how when the clothes come off they don't see any flaws, just woman. They've also said to me that if insecurities were their issue, they wouldn't get naked in front of us either.. being as they're not as easy on the eye as the ladies. Men aren't looking for saggy boobs, perfect skin, or a cellulite free booty. They just want their lady to see what they see. The only advice I can give to men who are going through situations like these is to be patient. It may take a while, or it may not take long at all but eventually she won't have a problem letting you see all of her at the same time.

Ladies, my advice to you is to just forget about your personal insecurities. If he doesn't see them, don't be the one to point it out to him... I know it's easier said than done but try it.. You have nothing to lose ;-)

5 Words to Prioritize in 2012

Wow, it's been almost a month since the last time I blogged? Excuse me while I smack myself on the back of the head! Well, just be prepared because I have a few posts coming up all at once.

I feel like this is a great first blog for the year. I have compiled a few words which I think we should use more often for our own well being. These are the ones which I thought most important, but feel free to comment and add some of your own.

5 Words to Prioritize in 2012:


1. NO
 - If you're like me, you may be known as a "Yes" person. I have a huge heart but people have slowly began to catch on to this and learned to use it against me. I'm always the friend who offers to help save any and all situations. I've slowly learned that saying "No" and knowing when to take off the magic cape is OK every once in a while. It doesn't make you a bad person; neither does it make you selfish or mean. Don't overuse the word, just know that saying NO isn't necessarily a one-way ticket to hell. I'm sure the angels take personal days too.

2. WHATEVER
- Most women are on to something when they use this word. People (particularly men and parents) are quick to say that when using this word women are being dismissive and rude. Not so fast my friends. This is a word which used in numerous ways but is automatically considered a negative connotation. I believe this word can be used as a way to mend. "Whatever, it's his loss." Say "whatever", mean it, and move forward.

3. NOW
- Ahh! Instant gratification. I'm pretty good at this and it is a word for more personal use than anything else. As kids we are taught to get over this phase. "It's mine and I want it now!" When using this word we are claiming what we want. Whether it's eating that bar of chocolate during that time of the month, or claiming that you are opening that business "now", make it happen. Even telling someone, "I want you.. now." Self-gratification is always paid in full.

4. LIFE
- It's simple. Be happy you have one and still have time to make yours count. It sounds cliche but every day you wake up is anther day to be thankful. Yes, we all have problems and situations in our lives we wish were different. Eventually we see how everything really does happen for a reason. I read something once that I'll always remember.. "If we all threw our problems into a hat and grabbed someone else's, we'd be begging to take ours back."

5. SMILE
- "I love smiling. Smiling's my favorite" Buddy from the movie Elf says this all the time. Just smile. It makes people wonder what you did wrong.

Make this the year of change and believe that everything that is good already belongs to you. Seriously. The happier people are, the better the world will become. It all starts with you. Are you up for the challenge?