Happy Wife, Happy Life?

As "new age" women, we are often faced with some interesting questions about how we choose to live our lives. While driving to work this morning, the topic of conversation was "Would you prefer to work or be a stay-at-home mom?" And they also opened it up to the men and asked them which position they would like their lady to take. Some of the answers were very realistic. Several men even said that if their lady's career meant so much to them and they were able to provide for the family, they would be stay-at-home dads. Other answers were very old fashioned; "A woman belongs home to cook, clean, and take care of the kids." Most of the people responding agreed that it would be ideal if at least one parent should be around to take care of the kids. 

Here's my answer. I don't know exactly what the future holds for me and if things will go as I would like them to. I anticipate having a career. Not for nothing, but I didn't get a Master's degree just to hang it on my wall to stare at while I bake cookies and my kids have their play dates. I am ambitious and goal-oriented. Now, that in mind, this doesn't mean I'd put my career over my family. Balancing a career and a family is no easy task, but it can be done. My mom has worked all of my life, yet the house was always clean and there was always a hot meal on the table.  She was there to take me to and from piano classes, take my sisters to dance, attend all of our recitals and school plays, and be on the front line cheering us on. So I know this can be done. Is it difficult? Absolutely. In a perfect world I would like to have my own business and be my own boss. This would give me the opportunity to still make my own money and not have to be financially dependent on my husband, as well as be there when my kids need me. 

I don't want to be a helicopter parent or hover over them at all times, but I do think that in the era that we're living, children need their parents around more than ever. I can't expect for someone else to raise my child for me. I was a nanny for several years where I did everything for the kids that their parents should have been doing with and for them. From being the one to get them ready for school, to taking them on play dates and after school activities, to making dinner, giving them a bath and putting them to sleep. I witnessed several meltdowns from kids when their moms would have to go to work or a late night meeting. I don't ever want my kids to feel like I'm missing out on any part of their life. Or to not have the option to be there because my job needs me just as badly. 

I'm not knocking the women who work hard to make sure their kids have the best of everything. I know some women who have kids just because that's what their man wants and I believe that is the worst thing to do to try to save your relationship. If you're not ready to be a mom, or simply don't feel it's for you, don't do it. It's simple. I, on the other hand, am prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to make sure my family never wants for anything.. not financially and not emotionally. It shouldn't be a sacrifice if it's something you really want. I've always dreamed of having children and being a wife as much as I've dreamed of walking the red carpet, being on the radio, and owning my own business. Happy medium? I'll find it.  

Follow me on twitter @trulymsp.. 

The Secret

"Single ladies, I can't hear ya'll.. single ladies.. make noise!!"

I speak for myself when I say that I don't need a man to provide for me. I can fully take care of myself, pay my bills, take myself to the finest restaurants and vacations. I have two degrees, a great personality, and although I have a few extra pounds, I'm beautiful. Now, I'm not going all "girl power"on you, I'm just setting a foundation for the information I'm about to hand out. There's a lot of us out there these days who have the qualities that I just listed, strong, no BS taking women, who are single and (some) loving it more than others. I'm here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with all of the above, but after a conversation with a friend a few days ago, I feel more women need to hear what I'm about to say. 

 

Being such a strong woman definitely has its perks. Now, if you wonder why you're single, I'm here to tell you, you may be a bit intimidating to most men. It's obvious that a good man wants to be able to provide for you, take care of you, and be your comfort. If you are constantly bringing up the fact that you can do things on your own, he will begin to feel emasculated. You may not even notice you're doing it, but you have to understand that no matter how much times change, a man wants to know that you still need him. I'm not saying I've had the most perfect relationships, but I can sure as hell play the damsel in distress when I need to. One of my exes told a friend of mine "I know she doesn't need me, but she lets her guard down to make it look like she does, and that means a lot to me." Whether it's letting him drive wherever we go, having him cut my steak when we're at dinner, or just giving him control of a situation every once in a while, it's up to us to let him feel like we need him. 

 

Think about it, you don't want to be with someone who you clearly know doesn't need you. You want to feel that you're bringing something to this persons life that they don't already have.. in this case, it's a man. I saw the movie "Think Like A Man" a few weeks ago and one of the women was told by a man that she didn't need a man because she was one. *Ouch*. The friend who I had this conversation with told me that she's never been able to tone it down for any man. I explained to her how important this really is to his ego. 

 

It's OK to not be in control all of the time. I recently find myself in a situation where I don't necessarily feel like I have to be in charge, because I know everything will be just fine. Maybe that's what we're waiting for, that one person who effortlessly brings it out of us. Flip your hair, put your feet up, and know your man's got it. That's all he wants.. 

The Old & Lonely

A few days ago I was sitting at my desk at work doing absolutely nothing. It was Friday and I was counting the minutes until I was able to start my weekend. An old lady who does some of the cleaning for the building came by. She never really acknowledges me. She just comes in to fill up her bottle of water and goes right back out the door. On this particular day she decided to sit in my office and just stare at me. In her heavy Italian accent she said, "you new here?" I smiled and said yes. She apologized for never saying hello to me but that she thought I was just a temp and didn't want to risk getting too close to me only for me to leave. I assured her that I was here to stay for a while. I stared her up and down. I don't think she's any younger than 80 years old, short and stubby, with her long gray hair pulled back into a ponytail. 

I didn't do much talking. For the thirty minutes she sat with me she told me how she only works one hour a day and it's really just to get out of the house. She told me her husband died ten years ago and she was grateful for this institution and the support they have shown her all of these years. As she spoke she rubbed her knee and said that she was in pain, but she doesn't let it stop her. "You so beautiful", she said to me over and over. It took a lot of concentration to understand what she was saying since her accent was so thick, but I managed to get it. She was telling me how now that it's nice out she needs to start cutting the grass in her house but she didn't think her knees would let her. This led me to the ultimate question, does this lady have any family?

The question in my mind was, are her kids really leaving this poor old lady to fend for herself? I managed to get it in during one of her silent moments, "do you have any kids?" She looked at me with a sad smile and said "No, I wish I did." This broke my heart. Now I understood why she was sitting here with me telling me everything she possibly could about her life; she was lonely. This lady had lost her husband, and has probably outlived most of her family and friends. I began to think of my own mother and grandmother and how I'd hate for them to be on their own like that. 

She asked me, "You have boyfriend?" I gave her my own sad smile, but didn't say anything. It was like if she was a teenage girl again and told me how in Italy she used to have multiple boyfriends at the same time. "I like when young girls like you have boyfriends. It means they not alone." I got even sadder. For my own personal reasons, as well as for her. She clearly likes seeing people happy and together, because she's on the opposite side of happiness. It took her a few minutes to manage to get out of her chair. Apologizing for talking so much, she smiled and once again told me how beautiful I was. I said, "You can come back any time you want." With that she wished me great weekend and said she'd see me during the week. 

I don't know exactly where I wanted to go by telling this story, but it really hit my heart. We often think we're all alone and torture ourselves by isolating ourselves from those who love us. If this lady had the opportunity to have at least those thirty minutes she spent with me, to spend with her husband or someone she loved, I'm sure she'd switch with one of us in a heartbeat.

Too many baby showers, not enough weddings.

As I sat in my chair at my friends bridal shower earlier today I couldn't help but think "why do I go to more baby showers, than bridal showers?" It was a beautiful sunny day in February, perfect for a celebration of love. Family and friends gathered to share in the first of many joyous occasions this couple will be sharing. "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes John Doe with the baby carriage." I am not here to tell you what is right for you as a person, or what may or may not work in your relationship. I simply feel that these days young women forget that having a baby with someone ties you to that person for life. Having a baby is hard work. It upsets me when women who aren't in committed relationships think that having a baby is going to be the savior to their relationship. This isn't a temporary fix to see if your relationship is going to work out. A baby is a human being who in several circumstances is just being used as bait to keep a man, sometimes leading to disappointment by a man not willing to take on the responsibility of being a father. 

Seriously speaking, who wants to be a single parent? It's already hard work to raise a child when you have someone there to do it with you, why knowingly put yourself in that situation? I'm not knocking the people who do it, on the contrary, more power to them. But I'm sure if you ask them now they would tell you if they could turn back time, without regretting the birth of their child, they would. Celebrating love is so beautiful and amazing. Seeing my friend and her fiancee interact today showed me that at least I'm not the only young person who values tradition. I understand there are things sometimes beyond our control, and I will never bash someone for something that may end up happening to me. Think about it, you know you've been to more than one baby shower where the father is not around. I'm sure that as happy as the new mother is for the pending birth of her child, there's still that piece of her who wishes to have the man who helped her create this miracle be there. 

Marriage may not be for everyone, and that is understandable. I'm not saying that everyone needs to go by the book. This is gearing more towards the younger women who just get pregnant without thinking of the life she may end up living.I know so many young women who get pregnant and hold on to the illusion that everything will work out between her and her baby's father. I always pray that it does.You never want to see your friends hurting over something so important. What I did realize today, more than ever is that I do want to get married and have the notion that this man is fully committed to our relationship and raising our children together. It just seems like the right thing for me to do. If this isn't what you want, fine. Just be smart about your decisions and remember that this is a life-long decision, it's not a quick-fix. You can't always control the outcome of a situation, but you can definitely try to gear them in the direction you find most suitable for you. 

Stop Playing Games

"Hey lady, let me tell you why I can't live my life without you. Every time I see you walking by I can not breathe. You don't understand, but in time you will. I must make you understand.. I wanna be your man."


That introduction was brought to you by a little inspiration from one of my favorite movies. A lot can be said in this entry based on the lyrics to that song. We could discuss how back some years ago songs were sweet tales of how to romance your lady and the difference to how most songs out right now are only talking about one night stands and cheating on your girl. That's not where I'm trying to go with this, though I have a long list of comparisons. Music just ain't what it used to be.

Getting down to business. I want you to really analyze the lyrics to this song. I wanna be your man. Whew! Ladies, when was the last time you heard something like this? I feel like men these days are taking advantage of good women and letting these women go simply because they refuse to become an official couple. I can remember a time when every woman longed for the day when the guy they were seeing would officially ask them to be their girlfriend. It seems like this doesn't even happen anymore. They leave it up to your imagination. How do you present this man you've been seeing for 7 months to your friends and family? Do you say, "this is my boo, Tony", or "this is the man I'm currently sleeping with but I don't know if this is really going anywhere so you may not even see him at the next event?" A grown woman should NOT have to be questioning where she stands with a man and I feel that this is a mistake many women, including myself, have fallen victim to.

I can't say the men are completely to blame here either. We make it easy for them to settle into a relationship which they can gladly walk out of, no strings attached. Many of us find ourselves cooking, cleaning, taking care of him in all ways possible, giving him no legitimate reason to even consider changing things to make it official. How much more official can it really get? Deep down it may even make you comfortable and figure that since everything is going well, why add a title? I'll tell you why right now. This is a cop out for many men. The whole "we don't need a title" thing is all BS. Why? Because when the relationship has run its course and you ask for an explanation, his response will always be "you weren't my girl."

Let's be realistic here. As women we think that by bringing up the whole "girlfriend" thing we're pressuring them into it. We want this to be a natural transition and have this romantic idea of how we want him to ask. Well, I choose to no longer assume what my status is with whoever it is I date. I believe by stating expectations from the very beginning of the relationship you can avoid a lot of drama and plenty of heartache. I speak from experience when I say that hearing how I wasn't the "girlfriend" cut deep. Again, we play the role of Susie Homemaker, not asking for anything but clarification in return, only to have it thrown in our face once it's over.     The truth is that if everyone states their expectations from the beginning, no one gets hurt. Now, if he tells you he's not ready for a relationship, and you are... run! This is going to be a never-ending cycle of "what if" for you.

I am a strong believer that at a certain point in life there's no more time for games. If you feel that you're not ready for a relationship and find yourself with a woman who is, either decide you're willing to take up a relationship or don't continue to lead her on. Save yourself a headache in the long run.

Sex in the Dark

I was recently having a conversation with a good friend of mine who happens to be of the opposite sex. It all started while casually scrolling down my timeline on Twitter and I noticed he was ranting about how "weird" it is when women don't want to have sex with the lights on. I asked him what he thought was so weird about it and he proceeded to clue me into his thoughts. As a woman, I find it easy to understand why some women prefer to be half clothed, wear a bra, or just keep the lights off. After trying to reason with my friend and get him to rationalize the idea, I came to my own conclusion... Men just don't understand.

You can tell a woman a million times that you think she's beautiful. The truth is that when it comes down to it, if she has her own preconceived thoughts about her body, she's not likely to "dance for you" like Beyonce. Men will argue and try to convince her that she's the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid his eyes on. They don't see how this strong, independent woman during the day can become such a meek mouse after hours. Sometimes, that's the problem too.. she'll only want to do it in the dark, at night, with some article of clothing on. There's something to be said about how amazing sun-kissed skin looks, but this is something your lady is likely to admire on her own time. Almost every woman has an insecurity about herself. Whether she is overweight, has stretch marks and cellulite, scars, or nothing at all, nothing you can say will make her feel any different about herself.

I've heard plenty of men say how when the clothes come off they don't see any flaws, just woman. They've also said to me that if insecurities were their issue, they wouldn't get naked in front of us either.. being as they're not as easy on the eye as the ladies. Men aren't looking for saggy boobs, perfect skin, or a cellulite free booty. They just want their lady to see what they see. The only advice I can give to men who are going through situations like these is to be patient. It may take a while, or it may not take long at all but eventually she won't have a problem letting you see all of her at the same time.

Ladies, my advice to you is to just forget about your personal insecurities. If he doesn't see them, don't be the one to point it out to him... I know it's easier said than done but try it.. You have nothing to lose ;-)

5 Words to Prioritize in 2012

Wow, it's been almost a month since the last time I blogged? Excuse me while I smack myself on the back of the head! Well, just be prepared because I have a few posts coming up all at once.

I feel like this is a great first blog for the year. I have compiled a few words which I think we should use more often for our own well being. These are the ones which I thought most important, but feel free to comment and add some of your own.

5 Words to Prioritize in 2012:


1. NO
 - If you're like me, you may be known as a "Yes" person. I have a huge heart but people have slowly began to catch on to this and learned to use it against me. I'm always the friend who offers to help save any and all situations. I've slowly learned that saying "No" and knowing when to take off the magic cape is OK every once in a while. It doesn't make you a bad person; neither does it make you selfish or mean. Don't overuse the word, just know that saying NO isn't necessarily a one-way ticket to hell. I'm sure the angels take personal days too.

2. WHATEVER
- Most women are on to something when they use this word. People (particularly men and parents) are quick to say that when using this word women are being dismissive and rude. Not so fast my friends. This is a word which used in numerous ways but is automatically considered a negative connotation. I believe this word can be used as a way to mend. "Whatever, it's his loss." Say "whatever", mean it, and move forward.

3. NOW
- Ahh! Instant gratification. I'm pretty good at this and it is a word for more personal use than anything else. As kids we are taught to get over this phase. "It's mine and I want it now!" When using this word we are claiming what we want. Whether it's eating that bar of chocolate during that time of the month, or claiming that you are opening that business "now", make it happen. Even telling someone, "I want you.. now." Self-gratification is always paid in full.

4. LIFE
- It's simple. Be happy you have one and still have time to make yours count. It sounds cliche but every day you wake up is anther day to be thankful. Yes, we all have problems and situations in our lives we wish were different. Eventually we see how everything really does happen for a reason. I read something once that I'll always remember.. "If we all threw our problems into a hat and grabbed someone else's, we'd be begging to take ours back."

5. SMILE
- "I love smiling. Smiling's my favorite" Buddy from the movie Elf says this all the time. Just smile. It makes people wonder what you did wrong.

Make this the year of change and believe that everything that is good already belongs to you. Seriously. The happier people are, the better the world will become. It all starts with you. Are you up for the challenge?